Tantrums in toddlers and preschoolers
Around the age of two, your child begins to discover their own will and voice (sometimes quite literally) and they enjoy expressing it. When your child wants something and it doesn’t work out or things don’t go as expected, they may become frustrated, leading to a tantrum. Toddlers and preschoolers often lack the words to express their feelings. When they feel heard and understood, the anger often decreases. Let them know their feelings are okay, by saying you understand why something is upsetting, but also explain that things don’t always go as they want. Don’t give in; you don’t want to reinforce this behaviour. It's also important for your child to learn to deal with disappointment.
Here are a few practical tips:
- Stay calm and speak with a soothing voice. Tell your child that it’s okay to be angry but also explain that they’re not allowed to hit anyone or break anything if it happens.
- Listen to your child and describe what you think you see or hear, for example: 'I think you’re upset because…' or 'It seems like you really want to play with the same thing Jorre is playing with…'
- Create a designated spot where your child can express their anger safely, like a couch with some pillows they can hit, so they don’t hurt themselves.
- Don’t give your child too much attention during a tantrum.
- For some children, it’s calming if you hold them tightly and speak to them in a comforting way. Others don't want to be touched, respect that boundary.
- Let your child cool down first, and then offer comfort if they need it. You can briefly address the anger afterwards or just move on to playing together again.
- Fatigue can be a trigger for tantrums. If, for example, mealtime often leads to tantrums, try feeding your child earlier or letting them nap before dinner.
Anger outbursts in school-aged children
Children between the ages of four and twelve often respond verbally when they feel misunderstood. The intensity of an anger outburst usually relates to how they’ve learned to cope with anger in the past. If you’ve given your child the space to express their anger when they were younger, it’s likely that their outbursts won’t be as intense now. Children can react strongly if adults around them immediately judge their behaviour in a negative way, especially if the reason for the anger hasn’t been acknowledged. This can fuel further aggression. It’s important to understand where the frustration is coming from. Sometimes, anger outbursts may stem from a different underlying cause, such as coping with a specific event.
Here are a few tips:
- Stay calm and give your child the space to cool down.
- Listen carefully, try to understand the source of their anger or hurt, and acknowledge it: 'I think you’re angry because…'
- Don’t judge, but make it clear that you have a hard time with the tone or manner in which they’re speaking to you.
- A pillow can be useful for releasing energy. Jumping on a trampoline can also help release physical tension. A pair of headphones with favourite music can also be calming.
- Once the outburst is over, discuss what happened together. Let your child explain and only ask questions yourself. What happened? How do you feel now? How can we help? Talk about how things can be handled differently next time.
- Fresh air and being in nature can help children who are going through an emotionally turbulent period (like a divorce, move, new school, etc.) to feel calmer.