Why do children bite?
When your child bites another child, there can be various reasons for it. Often, the cause is the inability to express or communicate what your child needs. For instance, if a two-year-old has built a beautiful sandcastle, they naturally become very upset when a peer destroys their castle. However, they have not yet learned how to express what they like or dislike, or what their boundaries are. This can be very frustrating, and sometimes that frustration is expressed through physical behavior, such as biting.
Your child may also be experimenting with biting. They might realize that biting has consequences; another child starts crying, and your child receives attention from you as the parent. Children also bite because they are teething, feel bored, or overwhelmed by a situation and don’t know how to act.
Do children bite on purpose?
Young children don’t bite with the intention of causing harm. They bite because it seems like the most obvious thing to do at that moment. They simply can’t think of another way to respond quickly. Your child is trying to trigger something with this action. And sometimes it may seem that your child is biting precisely when you are not looking. This may be true. For some children, parents are their conscience; your presence helps your child getting to know the rules. So when you are away for a moment, or not looking, it is more difficult to determine whether something is right or wrong. This is why children often look at you when they do something that is not allowed; they check to see if they are doing right or wrong
Biting behavior can increase around the age of two, but it eventually decreases. In the meantime, your child learns why they should not hurt other children. As their language skills improve, it becomes easier to express what they want or don’t want. Additionally, your child becomes better at thinking about how to solve problems. But to learn all of this, your child needs your help, support, and guidance.
How should you respond to biting?
A child who is bitten often cries loudly. A red mark may be visible, and sometimes you might even see teeth marks on an arm. In the worst case, a child is bitten hard enough to draw blood. This is a serious situation, and it’s understandable that it triggers strong emotions in both the children and you as a parent. It’s important to be aware of how this behavior affects you, as your reaction to the child who bit has a significant impact.
Avoid becoming angry. This is not helpful and can even make the child more anxious, leading to more biting. Set a good example. The way you handle conflict situations is also a learning opportunity for children. When a child bites, calmly state that biting is not allowed and that it hurts. Try to show understanding for the emotions involved without condemning the child. For example, instead of saying, 'You’re naughty because you bite,' which focuses on the entire child, say, 'I see you’re very angry/scared/sad, but you shouldn’t bite—biting hurts.' This way, you address the child’s behavior rather than labeling them. Afterward, focus your attention on the child who was bitten.
Avoid labelling the child
Almost every child bites at some point, but some bite more frequently than others. This doesn’t make your child worse or meaner than other children. Never label a child as a 'biter', as this can lead them to behave accordingly, and others (both adults and other children) might start to see them that way too. Instead, highlight the positive and admirable qualities of your child.
The emotions of a child who has been bitten—sadness and anger—are often noticed by other children, such as siblings, friends, and playmates. They want to know what’s going on. It’s important to explain to them that the bitten child is in pain, which is why they are crying and feeling sad. By acknowledging these emotions, you can help children develop empathy and this contributes to their social skills. You also create emotional safety because when a child cries loudly, it can make other children feel insecure. By explaining what’s happening and reassuring them that you’re there to care for the crying child, the other children can let go of the situation and continue playing.
How to prevent children from biting each other?
Teach your child to deal with emotions by naming what emotions you see in them: 'I see you’re very sad because you can’t play with the car', 'I see you’re very angry because Pim took your puzzle', or 'You don’t like it when Fayenne stands so close to you, do you?' By recognizing and verbalizing your child’s emotions, they feel understood, and biting becomes unnecessary. This also helps them to learn how to cope with their emotions.
If you notice that your child bites because they are experimenting with the reactions to their behavior, try to reward positive behavior—the actions that are already going well. This way, they don’t feel the need to bite to get attention.
Older children who bite
We expect that school-aged children don’t bite anymore, but it can still happen. When it does, it’s important to clearly state that biting is not allowed and explain the consequences. Again, it’s crucial to show understanding for their emotions and not to criticize the child but the action. Children are allowed to feel angry, scared, or sad. Older children can identify their emotions themselves. Encourage your child to think about how to make amends with the other person. Work together to understand what led to the biting incident and agree on what your child can do if the situation happens again.